Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Gym

This is a true story written by a friend of their recent trip to the gym. No names or how I know this person will be mentioned to protect the sort of innocent & with that I say enjoy!!!

warm sunny wishes !!!
mrs. barefeet

It was your balls I noticed first. Big silver and chrome balls clanging to a stop at the back of your F350 as it straddled the last two decent parking spots near the entrance. I’ll admit an air of smugness as I strode into the gym behind you, but it was the “Hey faggot” greeting you threw your fellow gym-douche that convinced me I hate you. Not a fleeting hate like when following someone who signals to turn, then chickens out and keeps going leaving their blinker on- even though IT WAS A GODDAMN-ED ONE WAY STREET TO BEGIN WITH. No, I could tell already that this was the beginning of a true and passionate hatred that would likely take me all day to come down from.
I steeled myself for an hour in the gym together.

As I usually do, I grabbed a locker somewhere in the corner, and got dressed as quickly as possible, showing my junk to as few people as possible in the process- as is the unspoken covenant we men make when getting naked together. Common sense told me that anyone with balls on their truck is likely to strut around the damn locker room unaware of said covenant, so I avoided glances to the obvious places -out front where the mirrors are- but you tricked me Sir Douchealot. I wasn’t expecting to find you butt-naked on the scale, your veiney little legs propping up the ridiculous upper monstrosity you’ve ‘sculpted’ yourself into. Very clever, now I’m forced to look right at you to get to the gym. I stared at the ground and felt my blood boil.

From the treadmill I watched you toss enormous scraps of iron all around the gym- even with my headphones in I could hear your hulk-like grunts and cries. After about an hour of unsuccessful conversation with the hapless women trying to get in a little lunch break exercise, and having lifted everything deemed heavy in the place, your pee-like brain must’ve registered something about cardio being a good finisher and you took up station at the treadmill directly in front of me. I honestly would’ve wrapped up my day right there and hit the locker-room, but I foolishly figured you’d be on the treadmill longer. Congratulations though, you managed to pant-out two thirds of an eight minute mile.
I stood in naked horror in the shower while you carefully pinched-off one nostril at a time and directed little snot-missiles onto the shower tile. It was at that moment my seething hatred took resolve; I wouldn’t wait for karma to find your ticket and punch it. No no no, in the name of decency I owed it to humanity to extract something from you right then and there.

And that, Sir Douchalot, is why your iphone is in the urinal and there is a “I am dance music” sticker adorning the tailgate of your truck.
See you next time.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Merry Christmas & I'm FURIOUS!!!!

Today Mr. Barefeet and I were out doing some shopping for a new TV. Walking through the parking lot we see a fellow( I use this term so very loosely) driving a convertible Volkswagon EOS with the top down and a TV sticking out of it. This in itself is's December in Colorado not Palm Springs. Anyhow upon reaching the entrance this same car is sort of parked in front, engine running, TV sticking out & @ CHILDREN IN THE BACK!!!! One an infant w/no shoes or socks on & the top down the other maybe 5 or 6 years old. Are you $@*^%*&#@^%&* kidding me, who does this ? Mr. Barefeet goes to see if anyone knows what is going on and I stay to check on the kids. Five minutes & several Best Buy employees & finally Daddy Douchebag comes out looking at me like I'm crazy when I ask if this is his car, Douchebag replies " Ya, why."
Really, did you just ask me why dickweed, your kids are in an open running car with no one watching them!!!!! To this he says he just donated $200,000 to charity....oh my bad that makes being an asshole okay then. As he gets in his car & I throw profanities at him & inform him that he is not a good dad and charity should begin at home, He says I'm a bitch (never heard that before) and I punch the car...things like this make me a bit crazy, what can I say.

The morale of this story is people suck, having money doesn't make you exempt from being a human & giving to charity doesn't make you good. Also, if you have $200,000 to donate to charity I doubt you drive a red convertible EOS, drag your kids to Bestbuy instead of leaving them with the nanny and brag about your're simply a douche!!!

Merry Christmas!!!
thanks for reading my rant :)

warm sunny wishes
mrs. barefeet

Saturday, November 28, 2009

When I grow up

Secretly I think Mr.Barefeet was sad that his son's first jersey wasn't that of his alma mater, University of Colorado Buffaloes or that of his family The Ohio State University, they have a brick at the stadium you know. But how can you argue with a little boy that wants to be like Tebow.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Feeling Thankful

So I know it's sort of cleshay to say what you are thankful for on Thanksgiving, but I like chesse & cleshayness every now & again. I have never done a list like this but I feel like I have a lot to be thankful for every year but especially this year and want to put it out there. Here it goes in no special order some of the things I'm thankful for....Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!!

  • my adoring husband & our son...they have given me a life I could never have dreamed of.
  • my health & the health of those dear to me
  • our's in the midst of remodel still but coming along
  • our friends & family
  • mr. barefeet's hard work this year at his was rough for a while like so many but he never quit.
  • our animals & my sweet baby girl, Makena's kisses. no idea her tongue is as big as my head
  • the way lil barefeet says " I love you forever,mommy. You are my best friend"
  • my acceptance of myself & my bonus of getting older
  • mr. barefeet and my relationship...some things one would never imagine have happened to us this last year but through them we have realized how special our love is and gained renewed & new friendships
  • coffee
  • the perfect gin & tonic
  • flip flops
  • the ability to laugh, not just at others but myself
  • snow...never thought I would put that down but lil barefeet's face lights up when the snow falls
  • clarisonic
  • my charm bracelet, memories everytime I look at it
  • red velvet cupcakes
  • the men & women that put their lives on the line to protect our freedoms both at home and abroad
  • the Elvis channel on satellite radio
  • reality TV
  • Jack Bauer
  • mexican food
  • my bob haircut
  • chillin frozen yogurt
  • the blessing of knowing what is most important in my life
  • Criminal Minds
  • the discovery of hummus
  • being able to make a difference
  • little giraffe blankets
  • for being an american women
  • internet shopping & my UPS man
  • the ability to give back
  • for all the experiences in my life good & bad that have led me to who/where I am today.
  • for those of you that have decided to take this journey with me...I feel blessed everyday with the friendships that have been made over a computer, crazy yes- possible completely.
warm sunny wishes this holiday season!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Santa's coming!!!

I read about this fantastic idea on The Trailer Trash Queen's blog & thought it would be a whole lotta fun and wanted to share. It's an ornament exchange brought to you by PamperingBeki . Please stop by for all the details & sign up...Happy Holidays are here !

warm sunny wishes !

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hilary and her new shoes

This morning I took Hilary to get new shoes, expensive fabulous shoes ! Who's Hilary you ask...Hilary is my SUV, she is a Hummer and she is Fantastic. (now talk among yourselves and laugh at the irony Hilary,Hummer . Yes I'm referring to the Clinton scandal)

Before you judge too much, no I'm not a middle age balding man trying to compensate for a small penis by driving a Hummer and I'm not trying to ruin the environment...I recycle, I bring my bags to the grocery store, we use windsource for our electricity, and Hilary is American made! I might be a bit defensive but she's truly wonderful. From the moment I first saw her I felt as if Hilary was made just for me. Although people can barely see me over the steering wheel, I'm 5'2", Hilary and I are perfect for each other.

Back to Hilary's new shoes, they may not be Christian Louboutin's but they are BF Goodrich's in a beautiful matte black nubby rubber, they give her a bounce in her step, elongate her legs, and give her a new found confidence that we women understand...nothing feels as good as the perfect shoe. Tomorrow to complete Hilary's new look we head to the car wash I mean spa, body polish, mani/pedi & massage.

Look out for the shiny,more confident Hilary...she'll be unstoppable!!!

warm sunny wishes !!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

BA da BING...I'm in love

My new love.... ! I'm sure you have all seen the crazy commericals on TV for bing, the cure for search overload syndrome. But they offer so much more, and with the holidays right around the corner I thought I would share. Bing offers shopping with a cashback reward, FABULOUS !!! I recently discovered bing while searching for a coupon to use on a purchase. Bing has a cashback reward percentage at thousands of stores. The percentage varies from store to store with occasional special offers thrown in and sometimes free shipping. You get paid to shop for items you would be buying anyways and you can still use any store coupons you have on the order.

What's the catch you ask...the only one I found is you must wait 60 days for your reward to ensure there hasn't been any orders canceled or returned. Then bing will send you your reward via check,transfer or paypal. If you do encounter any problems I have had super service from the customer service agents, helpful, quick & best of nice!

Now to get started you simply go to sign up for cashback and MOST IMPORTANT shop through the bing site and I must say they have some amazing stores that we all use from low to high end, bing is a must and I'm in love!

Happy shopping !

warm sunny wishes !
*** this is my personal opinion & experience with . I was not compensated in any way for this review...blah blah blah :)